Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
