Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
