dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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