You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
