when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
