Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
