My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
