she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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