saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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