Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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