I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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