You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize