Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
