Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
