I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
