There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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