I want you more than these girls want KFC
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
