I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize