and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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