i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
