just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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