A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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