this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
