I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
