DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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