I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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