Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
