There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
