he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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