Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
