You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
