a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
