I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
