I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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