I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
