Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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