before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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