apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
