rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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