Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
