The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
