everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
