i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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