Four minutes until I can fart!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
