I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
