You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
