I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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