walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
