She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
