so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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