Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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