i was born a porn star she said
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
