dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's blow job season.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
