If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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