Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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