I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
