found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
And then he peed in my hair
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