I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
