So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
